Guilt and side salads

This morning I bathed S as I was beginning to look at her with guilt instead of adoration. Its been 3 days since she was bathed. ( I did top and toe her though.) Its amazing as a parent how much guilt we heap on ourselves when others aren't doing it. I remember when I found out that S was on the way and I ducked into the chemist for some prenatal vitamins. Only to have the pharmacy assistant asked whether I had been taking vitamins prior to conception. See the guilt creeping in here? It begins before you even get morning sickness!

I promptly told her that it was a bit hard to plan ahead for a bloody big surprise. She was shocked but tried not to show it. Now I was feeling guilty for disclosing too much information.Yes S was a huge surprise. I confess I wasn't particularly thrilled about it either. I didn't have a plan not to get pregnant and I definately wasn't trying. I had just weaned D from breastfeeding and was ready to ditch the huge and ugly maternity bras I had been climbing into every morning. That's right I resented my unborn child because I was chained to ugly underwear. Even more guilt about that one and I hadn't even got to the morning sickness yet.

Morning sickness kicked in with a vengeance and I travelled everywhere with an ice-cream bucket. I hated that bucket and many mornings as I looked at the bottom of it I wondered what had led me to buy that bottle of white wine and drink it all after my breastfeeding dry spells. It was probably the celebration of having it guilt free that made me consume that bottle of wine with abandon and lust. Needless to say M who I was trying to reconcile with was around. He doesn't drink and although very disapproving of my consumption was quite impressed with how amorous I became.

More guilt! Then there is the guilt of resenting all the salads and healthy food I ate so I didn't get too fat this time. I really dislike being pregnant. I am not good at it and as much as I would like to be an earth mother I don't enjoy having my body taken over. Then stretched and prodded until I look like I'm going to give birth to one of those dugong calves David Attenborough makes documentaries about. I know that I am supposed to feel radiant and blessed and just enjoy it, but honestly I count the days till its over. See how guilty I'm feeling and the pregnancy isn't over yet? There is plenty more guilt and mistakes to be made.

Anyway these ponderings have led me make a list of the top 15 things that I feel guilty about as a parent trying to do it all.

1. Telling L at 8 that Santa wasn't real only to have him ask "does that mean there is no Easter Bunny too?" talk about making the kid grow up too quick.
2. Wishing I'd travelled and had pets instead.
3. Fantasizing about my before baby body returning complete with vaginal reconstruction. If I knew it would be so easily lost I would have enjoyed it way more!!!
4. Using the toilet as a self imposed time out so I can mutter a string foul language to myself.
5. Recognising the 10 second rule as an immune building necessity on an almost daily basis.
6. Not giving my children an appreciation of vegetables as I'm not stoic eneough to beat a toddler in a standoff.
7. Letting D eat his boogers in public pretending I can't see him do it. There is no reasoning with a child who treats snot as a food group.
8. Refusing to buy L another school jumper until he found the one he had lost during a very cold winter week.
9. Feeding D lots of sugar on the mornings of his visitation day with M.
10. Letting everyone have a PJs day to save on washing.
11. Pretending to listen to L rave on about football and getting caught out because he's old eneough to spot my disinterest.
12. Not breastfeeding S after feeding the boys and loving it as I can drink good coffee and cheap wine.
13. Borrowing L's birthday money and not repaying it yet.
14. Putting everyone to bed early to get an assignment done because I left it till the last minute.
15. Not laughing with the kids as much as I should. Basically  being a grump!

If we listen to all the disapproval and shoulds as parents we will miss out on those beautiful moments when memories are made. Despite the guilt I must be doing something right D just gave me a spontaneous hug and wiped snot down my tshirt and S in all her unplanned splendour is asleep on my knee as I type .